source
[sôrs]
noun
source (noun) · sources (plural noun)
- a place, person, or thing from which something comes or can be obtained:”mackerel is a good source of fish oil”
- a spring or fountainhead from which a river or stream issues:”the source of the Nile”
- a person who provides information:”military sources announced a reduction in strategic nuclear weapons”
- a book or document used to provide evidence in research.
- technicala body or process by which energy or a particular component enters a system. The opposite of sink
- electronicsa part of a field-effect transistor from which carriers flow into the inter-electrode channel.
verb
source (verb) · sources (third person present) · sourced (past tense) · sourced (past participle) · sourcing (present participle)
- obtain from a particular source:”each type of coffee is sourced from one country”
- find out where (something) can be obtained:”she was called upon to source a supply of carpet”
Origin
late Middle English: from Old French sours(e), past participle of sourdre ‘to rise’, from Latin surgere.
Is where something starts as important as where it ends? Is the significance and impact of the ending only contributed to its origins, its beginning, its source? Most do not recall the in-betweens. The experiences that thread and weave together the totality of the moment. I have had experiences that lasted seconds that are seared into the cells of my being. I have had experiences that were so consistent that it found a permanent residency like an unwanted squatter in my body, mind and spirit.
Most of the sources for the things that ail me most were not self-inflicted. Things that I will never rid myself of are adaptations to people or situations that I would not punish anyone with. I struggle every day to just maintain a level of normalcy that took me decades to manifest and finally I feel that those changes are finally settling in. I can see those moments where the trauma cycle starts to hum ready to engage and slide perfectly into a slot. Now, I can take a moment, step back and engage. What is the cost of and expense of these materials and resources? Who should be held accountable for the things that I did not consent to?
I am in debt to others and myself simply because I maintained an unhealthy coping skill of “running”. It is expensive to start over and I have done it so many times that I lost so many “things” and mastered the skill of pack and go. I have stayed longer in relationships that I should have and bailed on ones that I should have tried harder at. I have been catfished, in situationships and everything in between. The source of the outcome on most of these instance’s stem from fear of abandonment and the source from this stems from unhealthy parenting skills. This absolutely comes off as a blame the parent’s statement but there is something to be said when there are now noticeable generational behaviors that are still at play.
The thing about being alone is that the accountability stops at the end of your nose. I can see where I use to rely on my spouses and exes in ways that allowed them to absolve me of significant parts of our relationship. I did not realize I was raised by parents who were trauma bonded due to behaviors via an altruistic narcissist. That absolutely fucks with the depth perception and filter of attempting to navigate a relationship.
This is where the work comes into play that has been happening since my divorce. I know where the source of my mistrust, abandonment, and many other issues reside so I started focusing on my role in those matters. I own that I allowed transgressions to happen. I am not a perfect partner but I vehemently state that up front to a fault. I word vomited my warning label out of the gates because I was used to settling for those that stayed. I was convinced I was damaged goods and needed to stickered as a discount. That has ALL changed. I will die alone before I settle for someone who cannot meet me in the middle.
The source of those revelations come from sitting in my own shit and owning my own misdeeds. I have said and done things that I cannot take back but God as my witness I have never laid a hand to a partner or violated them; the same cannot be stated in regard to my persons. I have done the work to overcome generational trauma and to stop it where it sits in body, mind and spirit. Now I embark on helping others do the same. This is why I share as I do and even when I feel like I have lost my way, I look for a light whose source cannot be dimmed because it comes from within.